Finding Satisfaction in Another "Failed" Evening Out

Don and I had another futile attempt at a date Thursday night, but, in a strange way, I'm considering it a mothering success story.

I've been waiting all year to attend the annual banquet of a local conservation organization on whose board Don serves. I knew it was way too soon to leave Sarah last year at this time, but I figured we'd be set for this year. Then, we had the anniversary dinner that was called for tears a couple of weeks ago, and I wasn't so sure.

I agonized over whether to try leaving Sarah with the babysitter again so soon. We didn't buy a banquet ticket for me, because I couldn't make up my mind whether to go. Finally, on Tuesday, I decided it was worth a try -- just because things didn't go well last time doesn't mean they won't the next. So, Don arranged for me to go.

Sarah didn't sleep well Wednesday night, but I tried to be optimistic and hoped that meant she'd have a good nap Thursday afternoon. She didn't look like herself, but I thought it was probably lack of rest. After lunch, I held my breath, waiting for her to doze off. She was soon snoozing, and I let out a sigh of relief, thinking we were set for an uneventful evening with the sitter.

Half an hour later, however, I heard her whimpering and calling, "Mama." I went in and tried to re-settle her, lying on the bed beside her crib for a while. She kept lifting her head to make sure I was still there. Still hoping to salvage the nap, I sat outside her door reading for 45 minutes, but she was done, and I was home for the night. I wasn't going to put all of us through the stress of leaving her home unrested.

She was okay in the afternoon, but 90 minutes after going to bed, she was whimpering and calling for me. I went in and found her sitting up, all disheveled, with a runny nose. I ended up sleeping on the bed in her room for the rest of the night, her little hand reaching through the crib slats to hold mine. By morning, it was clear she had a cold.

I was disappointed about missing the banquet and sending Don alone, and, of course, sorry to see Sarah sick. I was pleased with my reading of the situation, though. I could sense Sarah wasn't at her best, and I didn't push things. I managed to make the right decision for the sake of everyone involved (most importantly, Sarah), and that felt good. I just might be getting the hang of this mothering business....

Something to Crow About

Last winter, in an attempt to satisfy Sarah's passion for computer keyboards (and, thereby, be able to type an email message or two in her presence), I bought her a toy laptop. I thought she'd just push the keys and watch the little animated monkey jump around, but, apparently, she was paying attention to the alphabet activities. I noticed this summer that she was actually pressing the right letters when the monkey told her to.

Apparently, she's absorbed the whole alphabet. Sitting at dinner the other night, she started pointing to the letters on her placemat and saying them. Take a look....

A Visit from Cool Uncle B (and Papa)

We had a short-but-sweet visit from my brother-in-law and his dad this weekend.  They're visiting some friends who live a few hours from here and took a side-trip to see us.  Although Sarah was a little uneasy about her Uncle Brian when we were in M*ssachusetts this summer, she warmed up to him quickly this time.  She kept pointing to him and smiling, as if to say, "Can you believe he's here?"  We took a short tour of the local attractions yesterday afternoon, then had dinner at home.  She loved having him read to her.

The surprising thing was how taken she was with Brian's dad, whom she had never met.  By the end of the evening, she was calling him "Papa" and had to give him a hug goodnight.  When she got up this morning, she spent some time at the counter with Uncle B.  She was fascinated by his ability to find quarters behind her ears and wiggle his own.  She kept asking for Papa, though, until he finally appeared.

They left after breakfast, just as Sarah was getting set to show them how good she is with her color flashcards.  It was obviously too soon for her, and the rest of us, but we're so glad they came.  We can't wait to see Uncle B at Christmas; we may have to pay a visit to Papa, as well!

2,000 Words

A Nearly Perfect Dinner and Less-than-perfect Parent

Don and I celebrated our eighth wedding anniversary Tuesday by going to the nicest restuarant around.  It's in an old bank, and it has a booth in what used to be the vault (and is now a cozy, private, little nook).  The last time we were there was to celebrate my birthday in 2007.  We left Sarah happily at home with her babysitter Kyla.  When we said goodbye, she barely blinked an eye and continued showing Kyla the toys she's gotten since the last time we went out.

This was our first dinner out since Sarah arrived where I really relaxed and enjoyed myself.  The setting was romantic, the company incomparable, and the food sublime.  Don and I chatted our way through the stuffed portabello appetizer, the roasted tomato soup, and the house salad (fresh spinach, blueberries, blue cheese, sugared pecans...).  As we started in on our entrees (pasta primavera for me and beef tenderloin for him), I glanced at my watch and was amazed to see that 90 minutes had already passed.  I haven't lost track of time in, well, a long time.

Then my phone rang.  It was Kyla, and I could hear Sarah screaming in the background.  Kyla said that she had been crying for a while.  I told her we would be there as soon as possible and hung up, tears streaming down my face.  While Don asked the waitress for the bill and some boxes, I called Kyla back to see if I could comfort Sarah on the phone.  She stopped crying and listened to me, and Kyla said she thought it helped.

By the time we arrived home about 20 minutes later, Sarah had stopped crying but was still heaving every few seconds.  Kyla said she had been fine after we left, and they had played outside for a while.  As they were coming back into the house, the dog barged past Sarah and knocked her down.  She started crying and couldn't stop.  She recovered quickly once we were home and was asleep in my arms an hour later.

In hindsight, it's not surprising that things didn't go smoothly.  Don had just returned that morning from two days at his parents', and Sarah had refused to nap.  Although she hadn't seemed upset by his absence or our departure, she wasn't at her best and couldn't hold it together when she got bumped. 

It's not as if I wasn't aware of the potential for trouble.  I've learned to be on the lookout for situations that are emotional triggers for Sarah.  I was a little uneasy about going out the night Don returned.  When he said he'd be home right before naptime, I thought of suggesting he wait until she was asleep to arrive, since I suspected she might have a hard time settling down.  When she missed her nap, I was afraid she'd be "on edge" by evening.

It's hard for a control freak like me to know when to let go, when to stick with my instincts and when to back off.  In June, we went out the night after I returned from my "retreat," and Sarah was fine.  I don't know whether she would have taken a nap if I had put her down, instead of waiting for Don.  I considered cancelling our dinner but thought it would be an overreaction.  I guess Tuesday was just a "perfect storm" of triggers, resulting in tears for daughter and mom.

What has surprised me most about being a mom is how often I go to bed feeling awful.  I never realized how fraught with mistakes every day would seem.  I feel bad about losing my patience when Sarah is at her most stubborn or defiant.  I regret not following my instincts when they turn out to be right.  And I hate not even knowing if I acted appropriately at times. 

I read the other day that 70% is about as perfect as you can get as a parent.  If you do the right thing seven out of 10 times, you will have a happy family and children that turn out well.  That's tough to accept for someone who never considered a C an acceptable grade, but it's comforting to hear.  I'd like to think I'm scoring at least a B, and I deserve an A for effort.  If I can maintain those grades, Sarah will be okay, even with a few tears (for daughter and mom) here and there.

Two-Year Checkup (a Little Late)

Sarah had her two-year-old checkup this week.  She was a couple of months late because the pediatrician told me months ago that we could postpone it until the seasonal flu vaccine is available in mid-September.  It turns out the vaccine won't be out until mid-October, so I figured we'd better go now.

Sarah did so much better than in the past.  She didn't want to get on the scale, but the nurse was understanding and didn't make her get undressed.  I had to hold her with my head close to hers while the nurse measured her length, but she managed to hold back tears.  She now weighs 30 lbs., 14 oz. and is 36" tall.  That's 87th percentile for weight and 91st for height -- she continues to be a big girl for her age!

She was brave during the exam and only whimpered a couple of times.  She had to get her Hepatitis A booster at the end, which of course was painful and scary, but she cried for only a few seconds then happily took her Elmo sticker and headed for the door.  I was delighted to learn that she'll be able to get the nasal mist flu vaccination this year, so no more shots for a long time!

Our First Mid-Autumn Moon Festival

This past week was the Mid-Autumn Moon Festival, a holiday celebrated in many Asian countries, including China.  It is held on the 15th day of the 8th month of the lunar calendar, which was Sept. 22 this year.  It is considered by some to be similar to our American Thanksgiving.  Families gather for picnics under the full moon, eat moon cakes (round pastries with dense, rich fillings and intricate designs on top), and send wishes up to the moon.

Sarah and I celebrated last Sunday with our local Chinese Association.  Don was visiting his parents in the Twin Cities, so he couldn't make it.  Unfortunately, Sarah awoke at 5:15 Sunday morning, so she really needed a nap before we went.  Much of the food was gone by the time we arrived at about 2:45, but we did get to eat mooncake.  Ours had a Chinese date filling and was really yummy.  Traditionally, mooncakes have a salted egg yolk in them.  I was happy to miss out on that!

Normally, I would have been quite uncomfortable walking in late to a gathering of people I don't know.  I've found Chinese people to be so friendly, though, that I wasn't uneasy at all.  Our friend Wendy, whom we met at the local Chinese restaurant on Christmas Eve, was watching for us and came right up to welcome us and introduce us to others, including her mom.  Everyone wanted to meet Sarah (of course), and they all remarked on how beautiful she is (and such big eyes!).  We were guided to the buffet table, then shown a seat and served mooncake.  Many of the local Chinese teach at the University of Wisconsin in La Cr*sse, and one nice man talked with us while we ate.

Sarah was pretty shy to begin with, but she warmed up as she ate.  We both enjoyed watching people sing Karaoke to Chinese songs (played very loudly, I might add).  There was some dancing, but things were winding down by the time we got there.  Wendy was such a gracious hostess, though, giving Sarah colored pencils and paper to draw while everyone was cleaning up.

We officially joined the group last weekend, and I was surprised to learn that we're the only China-adoptive family that are members.  There are quite a few such families in the area, but I get the sense most aren't that interested in participating in Chinese activities. 

I'm really excited to do more with the group.  Their warmth and enthusiasm is remarkable, and I hope to learn a lot from them, while Sarah gets to know people from her native country.  Next month, there is a celebration of the Double 9th Festival, which honors the elderly, combined with Wendy's mom's 70th birthday party.  Fortunately, the Vikings play late that afternoon, so Don doesn't have a scheduling conflict.  :)