Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

Sarah is now two-and-a-half, and she is noticeably more mature than just a couple of months ago.  She's progressed in all areas but still hits speed bumps.  The last couple of weeks have been full of new developments but also included some set-backs.

Sarah and I have had a couple of unexpected separations over the last few weeks, and I was surprised and pleased at how well they went.  She came with me to give blood at our church.   I thought she could stand near me the whole time, but after I checked in, the attendant asked if there was anyone who could watch her, because she wasn't allowed in the donation area.  When I said "no," he suggested she sit at the refreshment table with the volunteers.  I was skeptical but figured it was worth a try. 

I put her in a chair and showed her where I'd be.  I'm not sure she even heard me.  She caught sight of the tray of cookies, and three grandmotherly women swooped in to dote on her, and she was sold.  During my check-in, I kept nervously popping up from behind the privacy screen to see if she was searching for me.  All I ever saw was the back of her head and three smiling seniors chatting with her.  She was eating it up.  By the time I finished and joined her, she was charming the minister. 

Last week, I took her to a local school for a developmental screening.  We were ushered into the kindergarten classroom, and a nice young woman asked Sarah what she'd like to play with.  Another woman then said I needed to fill out some paperwork down the hall.  I had a moment of panic but decided to give it a shot.  I kissed Sarah and told her I'd be back in a few minutes.  Down the hall, I rushed through the forms and strained my ears for cries of distress but heard none.  When I returned 15 minutes later, she was happily playing kitchen with the speech therapist.  She immediately said, "Mama play."  They said she had asked for me a couple of times but was satisfied when they told her where I was and that I'd be back soon.  Huh....

She had her two-and-half-year Well Child Check-up last week, and you never would have known she was the same child who used to scream in terror at contact with medical personnel.  It may have helped that she got to stand on the big scale to be weighed and was measured against the wall, instead of being stripped and put on her back.  She walked confidently into the exam room and seemed more interested in what the nurse was doing than scared.  She actually wore a hospital gown for the exam, which I think she rather enjoyed, even though it was way too big.  She was terribly brave while getting her shot, grimacing but fighting back the tears.

Once we got home, it was a different story, though.  She limped around and whined about how much her leg hurt.  I gave her some Tylenol, but she still carried on.  I don't know if it really hurt that much or if she was just being dramatic, but she gave quite a performance.  She ended up in tears at dinner and had a meltdown afterward.  I'm sure it didn't help that she refused to nap that day, but she still tells me it hurts every now and then.

She officially weighed 32 lbs. 14 oz. (87th percentile) at the doctor's, but she had a heavy sweater on, so I think that's a bit high.  She is 37" tall (69th percentile).  I'm glad to see that she's come down a bit in comparison to kids her age, while remaining incredibly healthy.  The doctor estimates that she'll be about 5'6" in adulthood.

Sarah has had two developmental evaluations in the last month -- one through the county's Birth-to-3 program and one through the school system.  Both showed her to be age-appropriate for the most part, with some of her personal-social skills a bit behind (speech) and some advanced (counting to 10, knowing her letters, spelling her name).  Overall, she has caught up nicely and is on-target.  She talks a lot now, including some three-word strings, and seems to pick up new words every day.

Despite all of these strides (or maybe because of them?), the last couple of weeks haven't been all that rosy.  She's been irritable and controlling and sleeping poorly.  She seems to have nightmares a lot and cries and yells in her sleep.  She's refused to take naps six out of the last 12 days.  She has angry meltdowns and has started hitting us.  Although she had a great stretch of potty training (dry for 12 days), she's had a few accidents lately.  I'm not sure what's going on.  Did I jinx us by saying we were on our way out of the Terrible 2s?  Are all of the new skills and experiences she's acquiring stressing her out?  Is she processing some residual grief?

I get the sense that she's anxious and feels as though she has to do and control everything (I know that sounds like a typical toddler, but an adopted child can take it to the extreme, because of the losses she's suffered).  She is a rather serious little girl.  A couple of weeks ago, we had two toddlers who are a little younger than she is over to play.  One is from the same province as Sarah.  While they ran around and played with her toys, Sarah stood by me shaking her head, pointing, and saying ruefully, "Mess, mess...." 

Although I'm thankful that both Don and I have been home with her all the time, I'm starting to think Sarah could benefit from some time away from us with other kids.  On the way to church this morning, I mentioned to Don that, given how well she did when I left her recently, maybe we should try putting her in the nursery again.  She immediately yelled from the back seat, "No nursery!" 

On second thought, I don't think the nursery would work, anyway.  During the two recent incidents, adults played with Sarah and kept her focused on what she was doing.  That doesn't necessarily happen in the nursery, and I don't think she can overcome the bad memories she has of the place.  I'm hopeful that next fall, when she's old enough for Sunday School, the structured activities will distract her enough to keep her happy while away from us.

I've decided to try pushing back on her a bit to show her that she doesn't have to control everything.  I wonder if we've complied too frequently with her unreasonable demands, for example, allowing her to decide whether Mama or Dada puts her in her highchair and letting her put the cover on her sippy cup.  I've started insisting on helping her more with little things and telling her that it's Mama's job to take care of her, while still letting her do age-appropriate tasks.  This has led to more tears, but I hope things will improve over time.

All-told, I'd still say Sarah is a happy child.  She has four stuffed animals (two dogs, two bears) who are her constant companions.  She hauls them all out of bed each morning and positions them around the dining room table, each with a little bowl of Cheerios.  She hugs and snuggles them and laughs as if they've just done the cutest thing in the world.  She loves it when Don gives both of us a big bear hug and now asks for a "goop" (or group) hug.  A couple of weeks ago, she woke up, took a look around her room, and said, "Happy, home."  You can't ask for better than that.

Sarah when she's 6...

in the flower towel that Grammy gave her...

and trying out her new snowshoes

Bringing in the Year of the Rabbit

Last night, we attended our local Chinese Association's New Year celebration.  It was a potluck in an old dance hall, and it was even more fun than last year's event (which took place at a high school and was catered).  I was apprehensive about how it would go, since Sarah has been boycotting naps again the last few days, but she was a perfect angel.  We are blessed that she has never caused a scene in public, despite her demonstrations of will at home (knock wood!).

Because I really want to get to know our fellow association members, I boldly suggested that people wear name tags at the event.  Before I knew it, I was taking tickets and welcoming people, with Don and Sarah providing moral support.  The idea wasn't embraced by everyone, and it didn't go exactly as I'd envisioned.  I foolishly thought people would write their names in Pinyin, the romanized version of Chinese that I can read, but many wrote them in Chinese characters, which was no help at all (for me, at least).  Can you say "naive"?

Each family had to bring two dishes, and the food was abundant and fantastic.  I wasn't about to try to cook anything Chinese (although I hope someday to have the courage to do so), so my bean salad sat bashfully among the homemade dumplings, noodles, ribs, spring rolls, and kung pao chicken.  My chocolate chip cookies disappeared, though!

This year's event included a white elephant exchange, which added some fun and mayhem.  When it was Sarah's turn to either open a gift or take one from someone else, a teenage boy eagerly offered her the wind-up Tigger toy that he'd been saddled with, and she agreed.  She played with it on the floor for the remainder of the swapping, and fortunately, no one dared (or desired) to take it from her.

The only downside was a much-reduced entertainment portion.  Last year, there was an elaborate stage show of all ages singing and dancing in the school auditorium.  This year, a young boy performed a dance routine to "Ghost Busters," another gave a violin solo, and a teenage girl did ballet to "Somewhere Over the Rainbow," while many partiers continued to socialize.  The performers had heart, though.

After the distribution of the "hong bao" (red envelopes with dollar bills) to the kids under 12, the adults started singing Karaoke, and Sarah began dancing, even though no one else was.  She's really good at shaking her booty.  It was adorable, but unfortunately, it was also time to go.  Sarah has a knack for warming up just when it's time to leave.

I am thankful for this group of people and their warmth toward us.  Although the New Year celebration is nowhere near as large or elaborate as those you find in large cities, I value the intimacy and casualness of it.  Along with the smaller celebrations held throughout the year, it gives us a chance to get to know individuals in the Chinese community.  There are at least two kids Sarah's age whom we see each time, and I hope they will become friends as time goes on.  A number of the women have taken an interest in Sarah, and I hope she'll be able to establish relationships with them.  I want her to feel connected to her culture.  Don and I can't do that alone, but maybe these kind people can help.

(You'll notice in the photos that Sarah has developed a cheesy smile for the camera.)

Epilogue:  Sadly, Sarah had a rough night's sleep last night.  She was sobbing in her sleep three times.  I tried comforting her, but she continued with her eyes closed, making delicate gestures with her hands.  It was hard to watch.  I have no idea if it was related to the party itself (bringing back some unhappy memories?) or just to her being overtired.