Four Minutes Without Mom and Dad

Church just isn't the same since Sarah arrived. I used to leave feeling uplifted, and, on a good day, inspired. Now, I leave tense and tired from trying to keep Sarah entertained and quiet for an hour. She is really very good, but it takes constant vigilance, and not a little ingenuity, to get her through it without being disruptive. I dare say the people seated around us enjoy her presence much more than I do during those 60 minutes.

I bring snacks, which enthrall her for about five minutes. Then she needs a drink of water, so out comes the sippy cup. At this point, I live in fear of her carelessly hurling it through the air and beaning someone. I bring books, but books prompt questions, and she's soon pointing and saying, "aaaAAA?" I offer things from my bag, which amuse for mere minutes and are then dropped loudly on the floor. Don and I are not the kind of people who like to call attention to ourselves in a good way, let alone an embarassing one.

Last time we went to church (it's only about once a month now), partway through the service, Sarah gave me the "potty" sign. I tried to wave it off, but she was adamant. So, I took her out to the bathroom and tried to dissuade her by showing her that the toilets were the big, noisy kinds that she doesn't like. She persisted, so I got her undressed and held her on the seat, only to have the thing automatically flush beneath her. She, of course, screamed and cried with fright, and that was the end of that. When we returned to the pew, Don asked if it was Sarah he heard crying. When I nodded, he said, "Geez, it sounded like it was piped in through the sound system."

Our church offers childcare, so I decided to see how Sarah would react to the nursery. This morning, we stayed in the service until the sermon, then headed downstairs. She was reserved at first, as always, but soon started playing with a pop-up toy. After a few minutes, the high school student who was chaperoning enticed her and another quiet little girl into drawing at a table. I figured it was a good time to see how she'd feel about my leaving.

I told her I was going to leave for a few minutes but I'd be back. She asked if I was going in the car, and I told her, "No, just down the hall." She nodded. I stepped out and was able to spy on her from the hallway. She didn't miss a beat and went on drawing.

I wasn't sure how long to wait, but parents soon started showing up to retrieve their little ones, so I went back in after a whopping four minutes. I knelt beside her at the table and said, "Hi, I'm back." She looked up at me as if I had just said, "The sky is blue" and went back to drawing, completely unimpressed.

After months of scheming and stressing about how to ease her into separating from us, this was completely anticlimactic -- in a good way...I guess. Although I had a little twinge of disappointment that she wasn't distraught at my disappearance, it was a huge relief to know that she trusts me to return. I figure leaving is the hardest part, and she did fine. She doesn't have a good concept of time, so, if she's good for a few minutes, she ought to be fine for an hour.

It was only four minutes, but it showed how far Sarah has come in the time we've been together. During our first week, she cried whenever we put her down. For months, she resisted advances by strangers. She is still on the shy side, but she seems much more confident and secure, at least in the daytime. She has a hard time being apart from us at night, but I'm sure that will improve with time.

Sarah the Swinger

Don put up Sarah's swing in the Grandfather Tree (a big, stately, old silver maple in our yard) yesterday. To say she enjoys it is an understatement. See for yourself, and don't forget to turn up your volume, because the audio is the best part.

In case you were wondering...

the kestrels are still around! They've been here regularly for two weeks now, and our anticipation and anxiety (that they might not show up one morning) are growing by the day. The male has brought many a succulent mouse to the female as demonstration of his suitability as a mate and father. She seems satisfied so far and is spending a bit more time in the nest box.

I was able to shoot some video out our picture window, so here's a clip that I think will show why we're so excited about the prospect of this couple raising a family in our yard.

Sleep, the Sequel

How's the sleep? It's better; thanks for asking. I've been sitting in a chair in Sarah's room while she goes to sleep at night. I tried reading, but she just goofed around, so now I sit and watch her, and she stays on task better. She's asleep in about 20 minutes. She still cries in the middle of the night. I wait about five minutes to see if she'll stop (which she does sometimes), then go in and sleep on the bed beside her crib for the rest of the night (or until I wake up and she's asleep). The combination of these things seems to have comforted her some, and she doesn't scream hysterically the way she was.

At nap time, Don still rocks her. Sometimes she goes to sleep that way, and other times she refuses. He has left her in her crib a couple of times and she cries for a few minutes then plays, whimpering every now and then. Yesterday, it took an hour, but she finally went to sleep on her own.

Friday night, I had an epiphany. I had just spent 40 minutes sitting in her room while she went to sleep, feeling annoyed most of the time. As I walked downstairs, I thought back to Al-Anon meetings I attended years ago, and it occurred to me that, although I couldn't control HER behavior, I could adjust MY attitude. I could "let go and let God."

We've spent seven months trying to get Sarah to go to sleep the way we want her to; trying to train her. It hasn't worked. We've learned that she WILL go to sleep while I sit in her room, and she will go back to sleep in the middle of the night, if I sleep on the bed beside her crib. I've been frustrated because I've been told I should be able to leave her room at bedtime while she falls asleep and expect her to put herself back to sleep during the night. But that just doesn't work, so why not accept it?

She obviously needs to be nurtured right now. She won't need it forever. At some point, she will be comfortable going to sleep on her own. It could be next week or next year (or, dare I say it, the next one). Is it so bad that I have to sit in her room for half an hour, or sleep in there for half the night? Not really, unless I make it so. I've chosen not to make it so and to take One Day at a Time. As long as we're all getting a good night's sleep, does it really matter how?

And guess what.... Friday night, she slept for 11 hours without a peep! That's only about the third time she's slept through the night since we got home. Coincidence? You decide.... She has been noticeably happier the last couple of days, and that means everything to us. Years from today, I bet I'll look back fondly at the time I spent watching her go to sleep, so why not look at it that way now?

What's New in the World of Sarah

Thought I'd catch you up on what Sarah's up to these days, development-wise.  She's such a sharp little girl and learning new things all the time.  She now knows at least 50 signs (I haven't really counted lately) and uses them all the time.  The latest are "girl," "boy," "home," "outside," and "sun."  She is also vocalizing a lot more and  repeats words when we're reading to her.  She even tackles "elephant," "antelope," and "gorilla."

Her favorite game these days is hiding something behind her back or under her legs and signing "Where?"  She delights in revealing the object.  The game works equally well at mealtime (with a spoon), bathtime (with a washcloth), and pottytime (with a piece of toilet paper).

She also is practicing drinking milk from an open cup.  With my coaching, she takes a sip, puts down the cup, swallows, and claps -- over and over again.  It makes Daddy very nervous, so we try to do it when he's not around.

She now has 9 teeth (4 upper incisors, 4 lower incisors, and a bottom molar).  She has another incisor and three more molars coming in.  Fortunately, she's not too bothered by teething.  The only symptom we see is drooling.  UNfortunately, she's discovered how to use her teeth as weapons.  Last week, she started trying to bite me when I brush her teeth.  She actually lunged at me from the changing table the other day.  It hasn't become too much of a problem.  I tell her to stop and to be nice to Mommy.  She then says, "Mama" and pats my arm.  If I sing a Raffi song about brushing teeth while I do hers, she doesn't bite.  "Music hath powers to soothe the savage breast."

Sarah loves the outdoors.  The weather has been beautiful here this past week, and once you get her outside, it's hard to get her back in.  She visits the chickens (and gets frightened by the rooster) and feeds the goats cranberries from the native shrubs.  She is adorable toddling around in her pink rubber boots.  Her favorite thing to do outside is to walk between Don and me, holding hands.  She just giggles.

Busy Day

Sarah went to her first Easter egg hunt yesterday.  She wasn't sure what was going on and looked apprehensive as we waited for it to begin, but she caught on quickly and gathered five eggs.  It was all over in about a minute.  She loved the Hershey's Kisses in the eggs, and she even found one with a slip of paper for a prize (one of five hidden!).  She came home with an electronic microphone that plays songs and records your voice (although not clearly).  Buttons and music are two of her favorite features in a toy, so it's a hit.

Last night, we visited a family nearby that has two daughters from China, ages 10 and 4.  We met them at the Chinese New Year celebration last month.  We weren't sure how Sarah would act, since she tends to hold back when she first meets people.  She did so well!  She was cautious at first, but the little four-year-old was very outgoing, and Sarah loved her.  It must be refreshing for Sarah to see someone who looks like her after spending so much time with pale Europeans. 

It wasn't long before Sarah was checking out the new toys and exploring different parts of the room.  She seemed quite at ease and self-confident but looked back to check in with us often, which is perfect!  By the time we left, she was even playing with the mom, while I played with the four-year-old alongside.  It was a relief to me that she was so relaxed, since she's been really clingy lately and asking to be carried a lot. 

We even got an invitation to leave her there while Don and I go out some time!  I've been strategizing about how to establish "date nights" for the last couple of months and trying to arrange for a teenage neighbor to come over to get to know Sarah.  The teen is busy, of course, and we've seen her only once. 

This new arrangement might be even better, though, since these folks live right on the way to town, and Sarah would have fun playing with the little girl.  Even Before Sarah, we were always home by 7:30 or so when we went out to a movie and dinner (wild couple that we are), so we could have her home in time for bed.  I'm excited about the prospect of going out again.  We'll have this family over to see the farm next month and hope that this relationship grows.

I'm closing with a shot of Sarah on our way out the door last night.  She's wearing an adorable furry coat that our former housesitter sent long before she even arrived.  I was afraid she wouldn't get to wear it, but it fits perfectly now.

Tea Time

I've been eyeing the Green Toys tea set (made of recycled milk bottles -- how cool is that?) online for months now and trying to hold off until Sarah's birthday to buy it for her.  It's supposedly for ages 3+, so I thought I might be pushing things a bit, anyway.  Not long ago, a good friend gave us a gift card to Toys R Us, so we went yesterday to see if they had it (frankly, it's not something I would expect to find at Toys R Us).  They did!

So yesterday afternoon, I unboxed the set, sat Sarah down at her little table, and showed her how to use it.  Since she's never seen anyone drink tea from a teapot, I thought she'd find the whole thing confusing.  To the contrary, she picked up the idea right away and started pouring tea.  I offered her "sugar" from the bowl, and soon she was eating it by the spoonful and saying, "Mmmmmmm."

Prisoners in Our Own Home

We are being held captive by a pair of birds.  These aren't big birds, mind you, they're about the size of robins.  They hold great sway in this household, though, because they're kestrels, small falcons with feathers of copper and gunmetal, dramatic dark mustaches, and big, ebony eyes.  "Parakeets that eat meat," Don calls them.

Don has been passionate about raptors, or birds of prey, since he was a teenager.  He has kept owls, hawks, and falcons as pets over the years (with the proper permits, of course) and has a battered "hawk journal" that goes back to the early '70s.  I've heard many stories about Baby Owl and the miracle of finding a goshawk nest in college.  Since we moved to the farm, he has dreamed of having a pet kestrel again and putting our large sparrow population to good use as falcon food.

So, it was with great hopes that he mounted a kestrel nesting box on one of our livestock shelters in the pasture behind the house a couple of years ago.  He knew it was a long-shot that these sensitive birds would find our offering acceptable, but it was worth a shot.  After two springs with no one but starlings showing interest, he had almost resigned himself to being content with the bluebird families that enjoy our hospitality.  Then, last week, the kestrels arrived.

We spotted the male first, in the large black walnut tree on the side of the house.  Then the female appeared.  She was soon inspecting the nest box to see if it met her criteria.  Not long after, the two were back in the walnut tree, mating.  I guess she gave the go-ahead.

They have now been here about five days, and we are on constant watch to see if they'll decide to nest.  When they fly off to hunt in the afternoon, we anxiously await their return, wondering if we've seen the last of them.  So far, so good.  If they stay, it will be another couple of weeks before they lay eggs.

Falcons, and raptors in general, are not fond of people.  Unlike songbirds, they prefer to nest away from human activity.  So we know that the odds of this couple staying to raise a family are slim.  Therefore, we're doing everything we can to accommodate their needs and play down our presence.  The hawks are holding us hostage.

Before we go out in the yard, we check to see where the kestrels are.  The dog's bathroom breaks are timed to avoid disturbing them.  Don even looked askance at me yesterday when I headed out for my walk.  I pointed out that plenty of other people walk down our road and that, if the kestrels couldn't handle that, they wouldn't last long here anyway.  He relented.

This morning, while Don was at church (and I was home with a sick toddler), I decided to take advantage of the gorgeous spring day and hang diapers on the line for the first time since November.  I planned to take a photo and post it here as a sure sign of spring.  As I rounded the corner of the house holding the laundry basket on one side and Sarah's small hand on the other, I saw one of the kestrels fly from the nest box.  I was gripped with terror.  I didn't want to be the one to scare the kestrels away.  I rushed to hang the diapers and get out of sight.  Looking back, I wondered if the mere sight of the bright white rectangles would be enough to deter them.  I ran back and tore them all down again.  In a rare face-off, wildlife trumped environmentalism.

For the next hour, I checked out the window every five minutes hoping to see the love birds in the walnut tree or on the box.  Nothing.  I rehearsed my confession to Don, that I was the one to shatter his dream.  What a relief it was when he walked in the door and said nonchalantly, "The kestrels were in the tree as I drove up."  Whew!

I told him my guilty story, and he said, "It's kind of ridiculous to be held hostage in our own house."  Maybe.  It's also pretty thrilling.  How many people do you know with "parakeets that eat meat" nesting in their yards?  For as long as these beautiful birds honor us with their presence, we'll continue to walk on eggshells for them...and hope to convince them we're worthy hosts.

Visiting Grandma and Grandpa

We took a short road trip to the Twin Cities yesterday to visit Don's parents.  Sarah now loves riding in the car, but her limit is about 2 1/2 hours.  We'll have to work on increasing that before we head East this summer. 

Sarah was an angel at Grandma and Grandpa's...not easy for a 19-month-old in a small Senior apartment.  She soon found Grandma's little electronic poker machines and proceeded to use one of them as a phone.  Her favorite discovery, though, was the accessible door knobs that she could open and close.  She was mighty pleased with herself!  She was very friendly with Grandma and sat in her lap and gave her kisses, which of course made Grandma's day.

Sarah is still fighting sleep with all her might, shrieking for 20-30 minutes at bedtime and naptime, and again in the middle of the night.  It's like nothing we've ever heard.  The doctor insists it will pass.  We're trying everything we can think of to comfort her without letting her manipulate us too much.  She only cried a couple of times last night, and not very hard, so I hope this is subsiding.  It's heartbreaking. 

A Taste of Single Motherhood

I've always been in awe of single parents, wondering how they manage to take care of children and themselves with only 24 hours in a day.  My thoughts have always focused on the physical and financial burdens, though (feeding, bathing, dressing, working, paying for clothes and college).  With Don gone for a few days, however, I'm realizing how tough it must be emotionally, too.  It's scary being the only grown-up in the house and knowing that the buck stops with you.

I've spent a lot of time on my own, both pre- and post-Don, but I rarely felt lonely because I've always been good at entertaining myself.  When he left Sunday, however, I suddenly felt alone, with my responsibility for Sarah resting squarely on my shoulders.  How ironic that, when I actually have company while he's gone, I feel more lonely than before!

Although I like to believe I've never taken him for granted, I realize how much I depend on Don for co-parenting.  Of course, we've made decisions about Sarah together from the start, but it hadn't occurred to me how many little choices pop up in a typical day and how comforting it is to have another's input.  With Sarah's current sleep problems, it's up to me to decide what to do when she's screaming in the middle of the night -- do I go in, or do I let her cry?  There's no checking in with Don for a second opinion.

Perhaps most surprising is my heightened concern for security.  I rarely thought about intruders when home alone in the past.  Since Sunday, I've been aware of every strange sound and had scary scenarios running through my head.  I'm focused on someone else's safety, not mine, which is new territory for me.

Being the sole parent is lonely in ways I never appreciated before.  I salute single moms and dads everywhere, and I can't wait for Don to come home Wednesday night!